Update.

Dear Readers,

As you may or may not have noticed, Dear Klint has been quite inactive. I apologize to everyone who enjoyed the blog. I truly enjoyed doing it, but have decided to place Dear Klint on official indefinite hiatus. Hopefully there's enough pearls of wisdom contained in these posts so you mouthbreathers can figure out your own problems.

That said, I have begun a new intellectual journey, which just so conveniently happens to have taken place in blog form. My good friend Patrick and I have started a collaborative effort entitled Learned Men. If you enjoy my writing style and have a thirst for the academic, I know you'll enjoy it.

Sincerely,
Klint

Failure Face

Dear Klint,

I am a 19 year old guy who has nothing but the worst of luck when it comes to finding a female to date,hook up with or get laid. I'm your typical dorky hardcore pun rock kid but on top of that I do have a weight issue which obviously plays a large factor in my unsuccessful love life.I honestly have never had a date, or kissed a girl and have been rejected countless times by numerous girl over the years. The last girl I tried to get with, I really liked, and for over a month from when we first met we texted eachother eevryday and talked, and hung out, but then when it came to tell her I liked her, it turned out she liked one of my acquaintance who i introduced her to. It really bummed me out and knocked me down a few pegs that thought I had overcome. I go to community college and my classes are full of dudes. I don't even know where to look for girls or how to even approach them. What can you suggest?

Sincerely,
Failure Face


Dear Failure Face,

To start, I wouldn't broadcast the fact that you've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl before. It makes you look like damaged goods. There clearly has to be a reason why you're having no luck with women, and I'm sure it's not your weight or personality. If a Juggalo or wigger can have intercourse, anyone can. As easy as it is to blame your size, it's actually your attitude that makes you undateable.

All it really takes to get knuckle depth into a lady of your choosing is a bit of confidence. A sense of humor doesn't hurt, either. Funny guys get girls no matter what they look like. I'll simplify things even further and break this into a single DO and a single DON'T.

DO show some initiative. Start conversations, make moves, and don't dwell and wait for her to do all the work. Contrary to what you might think, as long as you're not drooling on their tits and you can say something even vaguely interesting or funny, most women don't mind being approached. Just be polite, and if they're not interested, they'll return the favor. Which brings me to my next point...

DON'T be a brooding pervert. You'd expect this to be common sense, but human action has proved otherwise. Don't stare at a girl for forty minutes before you talk to her. Don't go up to her visibly aroused. And worst of all, don't creep around a girl all night, not say a word to her, and then try to add her on some sort of social networking site. Nothing is a bigger turn off than a potential rapist.

If you're as much of a slob as you say you are, you'll probably strike out a few times before you get on base, but don't give up. Just talking to girls and not making any sort of "moves" on them should get you more comfortable and confident around them. As for where to find them? Women have all the same rights and obligations as men nowadays, so you can meet them at places of business, public parks, and nearly anywhere else you might find yourself. I've heard bars and coffee shops are popular, maybe even those punk rock shows you attend. Women also won the right to suffrage in 1920, so you can try polling places during the upcoming election. The sky is really the limit here.

Sincerely,
Klint

Over It.

Dear Klint,

I think I might have a problem.  Lately I've been bored stiff with the whole "dating world."  Everything tends to end horribly and people put so much effort into (what seems like) their own demise.  Now I guess I'm being a bit pessimistic (I like to think realistic) but I just have no desire to date.  I would much rather spend all of my time and money on things worthwhile (guitars and gear, my education, etc).  In this world where constant stress is put on interactions between men and women or same sex interactions (gotta stay politically correct), is it ok to just reject all of those notions?  

Sincerely,
Over It


Dear Over It,

Generally speaking, it's perfectly normal to be disinterested in dating for spans of time, especially when you're absorbed in other interests. This is how Joe Sixpack and hockey moms all across this great nation buckle down and concentrate on meaningful endeavors.

While this may be a significant portion of your particular predicament, I'm sure it doesn't end there. It could be that you're a patient person with goals who knows what they want in life and love, and you're just waiting for the right time and right person and not particularly worried about much in the meantime. But, that would make you rational and rational people don't tend to ask me for advice.

You more than likely have a grossly inflated idea of who you "are" and what you "deserve," so allow me to knock you down a few pegs. When you put your education on par with the acquisition of material goods, whether it be guitars, bicycles or god forsaken Beanie Babies, it's usually a clear indication of some type of personal defect. You're just projecting some sort of delusion onto your life, and your disinterest in dating is the end result of failure drugging and date raping revisionist history. And like a Catholic woman carrying a kid with spina bifida, you're stuck with this one until you wise up and dump your antiquated world view.

Being anti-dating is just as asinine as jumping from one relationship to the next. Meeting people is the worst possible combination of chance and circumstance, and always being able to reasonably evaluate someone's personal worth and physical appeal will keep you from missing opportunities and making grievous errors in judgement.

Sincerely,
Klint

Miss me?

Dear Readers,

I know, I haven't updated in a few months. I'm sorry. Everywhere I go, someone tells me they love the blog and ask why I haven't updated it. Tour is part of it, sure. Personal sloth helps, too.

The biggest reason? I ended up with a girlfriend. And giving others advice on how to fix your relationships while I was having a shitty shit time with my own was very "do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do." But, I really don't have to justify myself to you. A man does what he wants, a bitch does what he can.

The point is, I'm back. I still have every question ever submitted to me, and I'll try to get around to answering them eventually, but I really hope all of you chuds figured those problems out on your own. If not, you must need me more than I thought you did. New material is also quite inspiring, so let's do this together.

As always, send your questions to dearklint@gmail.com. They'll be handled anonymously and in a timely fashion. Unless they're terrible, which is a distinct possibility considering some of my previous submissions.

In the meantime, you can read an interview I did for Brian Murphy at How's Your Edge here and prepare yourself to revel in the glory of a fresh start.

Sincerely,
Klint

Bernie Useless

Dear Klint,

I am recently engaged to a girl I am very much in love with. She makes four times as much money as I do and is very smart and beautiful. But. Everyday for the past month or so it seems that she is aggravated with me because no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not in school, but work close to full time hours, which gives me two or three days off per week. I never have enough money and am looking for a new job, but I'm kind of stuck because the job I have now will be very flexible with my hours when I begin school in the fall. Which brings up another "but", I can't do anything with schooling until I receive my corrected transcript from my previous school. She thinks that I'm being lazy and wasting my time off, although sometimes, as with anyone, I like to enjoy my days off by doing absolutely nothing. I do however clean the apartment quite often, I've painted twice because the first time the color wasn't right, eventhough it's what she picked out. So I went back to the hardware store, picked another color which was closer to what she wanted, and it came out wrong. She wasn't happy about that either. What I'm getting at is that I don't have an immense amount of control over what's going on in my life because it concerns so many different things. My fiance doesn't understand, regardless of my attempts at explaining myself, I always tend to come out looking like I've done absolutely nothing with my time, when in reality I am trying to do what I can to make life better for her and myself. So my question for you would be how can I do a better job of making my time look as useful as it really is and not appear so completely inept at getting things done?

Sincerely,

Bernie Useless

Dear Bernie,

Your problem isn't that you don't do enough with your time, because by some metrics, you're probably doing way too much. The blame rests solely on the shoulders of your chosen mate. She's smart, motivated, and independent. I'm sure the bulk of her time is spent multitasking a a large set of productive ativities, like listening to books on tape and doing her taxes while on the eliptical machine. Or cooking on the toilet. She gets things done her way, and has tons of results to back that up. You, on the other hand, don't.

That's fine. As a man of leisure myself, I know what it's like to be looked down upon by the young go-getters of this world. I can also sympathize with having your personality clash with a more intensely driven woman. Sadly, you're engaged to this one, so you're in it for the long haul. Just rolling over and doing whatever she wants you to won't get her off your ass, and you wouldn't leave her regardless of what I told you, so we'll have to find you another way. Luckily, I have something no gambler's ever had before: a system.

As it turns out, you do way more shit than she ever notices. Unfortunately, she's fixated on you not working enough and not being in school. So what do you do? Tell her you're going to get organized and make better use of your time. This will impress her. Essentially what you're going to be doing is creating daily to do lists and schedules for yourself. Mac users can try iCal, though I've heard good things about Google Calendar. Even just a pen and paper or a cheap notebook will work well enough.

Now, write down everything you want to get done in a day. Don't be afraid to include things like "shower" or "read the paper." You're not looking for quality of activity, you're looking for quantity. As the day progresses, cross things off your list as you do them, and tack on all the other things you do. When she gets home from being an adult, you now have a list of all the things you achieved that day, plus all the additional things you were able to get done.

Schedule every stupid thing you do. Good timesinks include "updating your résumé" or "reading." She's on your ass about getting that transcript? Tell her you placed some follow up calls to make sure the wheels were still turning. After you finish updating that résumé of yours, tell her that you spent an hour or two every day sending it out to people looking for side work. You went to 7-11 to get a Slurpee? Grab a loaf of bread and mark it down as "grocery shopping." The sky is really the limit, and don't be afraid to include a healthy amount of bullshit.

Listen very carefully: The most important thing is to not specifically show her your schedules, upcoming appointments and to do lists. You'll be excited to throw the fact that you're not some DeVry drop out who sits on the couch watching court shows all day in her face. Resist this urge. Once you've told her you're going to be getting more organized and trying to accomplish things, don't make mention of it again. Just do it, and make sure to leave the lists and calendars in visible places. Maybe stay logged into your Google Calendar so she can see that tomorrow you've set aside time to exercise, clean your apartment, and fix your bike. This way it seems like a far more genuine effort on your part, as opposed to the thinly veiled ruse it actually is.

Using this system to actually achieve goals is beyond the scope of this post, so how much you decide to actually get done is totally up to you. If she confronts you about being useless, act offended, and reference past calendars to show her that you have, in fact, been "getting things done." The intent should be enough to get her off your back until you're done wasting enjoying your summer and start actually doing stuff in the fall.

Sincerely,
Klint

Wonder

Dear Klint,

I had recently been dating someone for a while, however, that person turned out to be a complete ignoble piece of shit (and I don't use that term lightly) and total waste of my time.

I recognize all of that.... I know that it's their loss and that I definitely don't deserve their lies and bullshit. I'm emotionally stable and I don't need anyone as a crutch to make my life feel "whole".

Life goes on and that's that.

Anyway, after this mess had all happened, I started talking to their roommate (who I always found awesome and super attractive) more and more. We share the same interests, enjoy doing a lot of similar things, and it just seems like we can relate to each other really well. Not to mention they also had been talking to me about breaking up with their significant other. ....Now, I'm pretty sure you can already guess where I'm going to go here. But, even despite all of the shitty things this person I was dating did, I'm still not the vindictive or malicious type. I'm not into the "dating someone to get back at someone else" thing, and I don't want to cause any turmoil or awkwardness between friends/roommates.... but I DO definitely want to attempt to go on a date with this person before they're seeing somebody else and the opportunity passes and my open window closes. I'm afraid that if I mention something about it, they'll just think I'm trying to get back at the person I was dating. That's not the case, though. Should I even say anything at all? I don't want to make things awkward between this person and me, but I don't want to let this opportunity slip by me and be kicking myself for it in the future. Your recommendation?

Thanks,
- Wonder

Dear Wonder,

If you're interested in and attracted to this guy, and the feeling is mutual, then go for it. If his roommate who you previously dated was more of a gentleman and you parted ways amicably, then I'd advise you to seek permission from him. Judging by what you've said, that's not the case, so fuck it. You're not obligated to respect his wishes anymore, so if you're sure about this one, feel free to let this new guy diddle your twat on your ex's bed or whatever else. You don't owe him anything.

That said, be wary of the roommate. He's coming off a relationship, so watch for him to dig you out and kick you out. Also, they say birds of a feather flock together, so don't be surprised if he's just as scummy as the guy who already shit on your feelings. Everyone seems great when you first meet them, it just takes a varying amount of time to figure out that they're an awful person, a rapist, or some undesirable combination thereof.

Worst case scenario, you could end up face down on a coffee table with your sub-abdominal smelly output and self-lubricating input filled by your ex and his roommate, respectively. Or that could be the best case scenario, depending on your personal body image and emotional state.

Sincerely,
Klint

Miss Andric

Dear Klint,

I have a straight up simple question for you, why is it that men are attracted to and cater to the lowest common denominator? This is a conundrum that has addled me quite sometime now. When I see men with so much potential for greatness lower themselves to inadequate women it's quite perplexing to me. I do not understand the gravitation towards marginally attractive, ironically tragic individuals. Have women like Hilary Clinton, perhaps even in the other extreme, Ann Coulter ruined it for us? Us being the educated, independent, strong willed and actually use their cognitive thinking processes to get through life. In no way am I comparing myself to Hilary Clinton or Ann Coulter because they're beasts in their own respect, ha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that why are men so intimidated by women who are in the higher strata of society and class?

When you see the painfully banal on reality television or witness the disgustingly asinine behaviors seen amongst the rabble, you would think a person, whether it be man or woman, would try to rise above that and do better for themselves. Herein lies the irony, they too become one of the herd. I'm thinking maybe since it has become such commonplace, it just has become socially accepted... as we're fucking living in the Twilight Zone. Perhaps there is a rip in the space time continuum and we're living in an alternate reality... Back to the Future style.

Then when men realize their erroneous actions in hindsight, then they're not even worth being with anymore. They have become like the women you have made fun of in your previous posts. Used, unlovable and no self respecting woman would ever touch them. Not to mention they probably have been through a few rounds of Syphilis and their once glorious fuckstick is now the equivalence of Hormel corned beef, or dare I say... SPAM! Gross, I just retched in my mouth a little.

Not to sound completely misandric, I see there are men that do try and I'm not trying to completely discredit that. Really though, lets understand and grasp mechanism of the beast. Yes, the ambitions are good, but ambition without capacity is pathetic. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. ;)

Of course, this doesn't even exclusively apply to the hardcore scene, but in general. You see men digress horribly, as we've seen with politicians who are involved with prostitution rings. I'm really head over fucking heels ecstatic to know that our tax dollars that bankroll their paycheck are going to home wreckers and cheap women, and I don't mean that in the monetary value, but their innate value. Anyway, I am to the point where asexuality seems like a feasible option. There's no emotional investment, and unlike the other degenerates, I won't be taking antibiotics for a STD that is ravaging my reproductive organs.

Maybe that's my "failure" in life. My arrogance and ego precede me, and that I am too aware of my intrinsic worth. I guess I can't help feeling the slight bit of elitism coming from a shitty childhood, working myself to death for everything I own as well as being educated at one of the best universities on the East Coast. I'm sorry, I just can't "compete" with someone that is on the stripper pole or takes it up the ass on camera. Sorry, I don't have a Valtrex prescription? Sorry, that fucking me isn't like throwing a plastic straw into the Grand Canyon? Sorry, that my asshole and vagina haven't been ripped into one gaping abyss. Sorry, I don't have a Pez dispenser of Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Paxil just to saunter through life as a barely functioning corpse. Again, how I hold myself is way beyond the paltry and tawdry dregs of society.

Before you question or perhaps even attack my sexuality, by no means am I a prude either. The select few men, and I stress select few, that I have let enter my orifices have had one hell of a time with me. So that is hardly even the concern. It's the emotional intimacy that I struggle and have a perpetual challenge with. Maybe I am just too intense and overwhelming for someone to take in and absorb.

Oh and on the final note: I've noticed a trend of you and your readers for "calling out girls" on being clingy. That's hardly the case for me. I just want answers and possibly a resolution to is what a seemingly inexplicable situation. I have a career that I am very focused on. It's the number one in my life, and my devotion to it is unyielding. However, there are times when would totally enjoy someone's company. I'm not going to lie... the path to my heart is paved in eating Italian food and watching meaningful and substantial movies like Papillion, The Last King of Scotland, Thank You For Smoking and No Country For Old Men. Going to see At the Gates in New York City would be the ideal date for me. You know, as much as I've tried to resist the status quo and convince myself that being a completely autonomous being is a reasonable way to live, I've just succumbed to the fact that we need a person that we can connect with on a much more cerebral level. That realization was half the battle, now the other half of the battle is trying to find someone who isn't looking to bury it in some waitress at Johnny Rockets at the mall or the stripper named "Diamond Sparkle" at the local joint.

So sir, do you have answers for these pressing concerns and questions?

Best regards,
Miss Andric.<3



Dear Miss,

There's tons of reasons that men will lower themselves to dealing with bottom of the barrel women. Sometimes they're dumb as rocks, but stupefyingly hot. Sometimes they're less of a hassle. And sometimes, a man just wants to probe the uterine lining with the least amount of resistance possible. There's something quite different going on in your case, though.

Obviously, you think very highly of yourself. Confidence is sexy, for sure, but you write with a rambling "pat yourself on the back" sort of style that hints at a deeper problem. You think too highly of yourself. What you view as guys pandering to the simplest and loosest of women is actually just them refusing to put up with your crap. I'm sure they're just trying to spend time around people who try to make them happy as opposed to people who desperately try to make them feel stupid. Emphasis on "desperately." It's not that you're intimidating, it's just that you're not worth the effort.

The old adage is 10s go with 10s, and at this point, you're only reaping what you sow. You have the attitude of a woman who resides in an ivory tower with a peck of pine cones shoehorned in her twat. You ask to connect on a more cerebral level, yet the path to your heart is only paved in irony and faux-intellectual endeavors. You like the sorts of things that people who want to appear smart enjoy, as opposed to the sorts of things that people who are actually smart enjoy.

Put down your copy of Gravity's Rainbow, stop getting your news from The Daily Show and just ease back. The way you're acting now isn't going to put you in any kind of healthy give-and-take relationship. The best you can really hope for is one of those weak willed, spineless, chubby chaser types. You know, the sort of broken man that you have to bully into loving you. If you're even half the catch that you think you are, start acting like it and I'm sure men will be beating down your door. You don't have to compromise who you are one bit, just stop being such a shitass.

Sincerely,
Klint